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Amazing Grace RIP

September 12th, 2006 · 3 Comments · Family Life

Granny died yesterday.

Amazing Grace. She was amazing in that bad, shake your head, you just can’t believe she said, or did something, sort of way, instead of that AMAZING can you believe she did all these wonderful sorts of things kind of way.

I was trying to remember last night when I was sitting on the porch with the Husband. I don’t think he ever met Amazing Grace. I can’t remember when I saw her last. We’ve been married 16 years, so it’s at least that long ago. I think it had been several years before I met the Husband. It could easily have been as few as 20 years, probably not more than 25.

The Husband asked if I was going to go to the funeral. I’m not sure what the point would be. It might make my mother feel better. But I doubt it. I’ve not seen her since the first weekend The BoyChild was home and she came and visited him. That visit was four years ago last July.

I’ve not told the GirlChild. That bothers me the most. She’s never met Amazing Grace and barely knows my mother. I don’t know if she would want to interrupt her routine to go to a funeral for someone she never knew, that wasn’t ever a part of her definition of family. But I wouldn’t want her to fell like I’d kept something important from her or failed to share something important with her.

I worry about how to explain that relationship to the GirlChild. I’m afraid she’ll ask questions that I don’t have the answers for, or ways to explain to her. I’m afraid because I don’t have the answers because I don’t fully understand how that relationship went so wrong in such a hard bitter hurtful way.

I honestly think craziness had a little bit to do with it. A couple of weeks ago, I came across some letters and articles she’d sent me for several years. They were full of predictions that I was going straight to hell. I slept with boys. I didn’t take care of my Mother. I didn’t take care of her. I visited my Grandfather (this was after they divorced and before he killed himself). These letters were full of rambling, bible quotes and vindictive predictions about what would happen to me if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted, when she wanted, and how she wanted.

I guess we’ve been very lucky. We don’t have a lot of traditions about death. The Husband’s family seems to have a lot of traditions. Not complicated ones, probably the ones everyone else has, but just ones I’ve not ever had to be involved with much.

I don’t feel grief. Or any sense of loss. I never liked her very much and when the attacks started, it just sort of sealed it for me. I Just feel a little uneasiness about how to explain it to the GirlChild.

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3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Nancy // Sep 12, 2006 at 6:22 pm

    That’s a tough thing to try and comprehend, even for some adults — the idea that you might not like a member of your family, or like their behavior. I know for me I’ve chosen to keep relations with one of my aunts distant, because she’s been hateful toward my parents in the past. My parents, though, don’t feel like they can turn away because she’s “family.” Some family.

    I hope if you do talk to the GirlChild about it you find the right words. Best wishes.

  • 2 Kristen // Sep 13, 2006 at 8:13 pm

    That is so tough – these kinds of issues always make me sweat as I question myself and run through all the possible scenario of how the kid may or may not react. EEEK. Good luck…

  • 3 R a y n e // Sep 16, 2006 at 12:44 pm

    Henry’s crying upstairs so I’ll try to make this quick. My grandfather lived an hour away from us. We knew he was there. We saw him twice. We also knew we didn’t see him the way we saw other grandparents. My mom explained he was a mean man and she didn’t want him to hurt us, therefore we didn’t see him. She went to the funeral, we didn’t. case closed, no feelings one way or the other on my part. I think a couple times when we pressed further she said he had beaten her with a 2×4 when she was in college. Even a kid coule understand that’s why we didn’t see grandpa.