You wanna know what I hate?
I hate, despise, abhor, can’t stand, curse, detest, disdain, loathe people who call and leave these rambling, convoluted, disconnected, confused, disjointed, incoherent, long-winded, wordy messages on my voice mail and then get to the end and leave their phone number in one long un-understandable breathy sigh.

So you get something like this:

Hello. . .Ohm. . .This is. . .ugh. . .Ben. . .ah. . .Dover. . .hum. . .ah. . .from Dewe, Cheatem and How and ah. . .we’re involved. . .ohm. . .in that litigation. . .ah. . .involving. . .hum. . .Mr. Smith. . .and. . .ugh. . .anyway. . .we’ve set up this . . . ohm . . . mediation. . .in that case. . .for. . .next Wednesday andpleasecallmeat555-1212 (click)

Did you get all that?

So I had to listen to his stupid, convoluted, long-winded, incoherent message THREE times before I actually got his phone number. And you know what? My client DOESN’T care. But I had to get his number on the off chance that my client MIGHT actually care and want to attend or want me to attend or want me to try to put a stop to it or something.

I remember the first answering machine I ever heard. It belonged to a friend’s boyfriend. I didn’t like the boyfriend and the answering machine gave me even more reason to hate him. It was in the early eighties. I remember at the time calling and hearing his cheesy recorded message and thinking, “I hate these machines”

I didn’t know what they would become but I predicted then that they would be the downfall of human civilization as we know it. And I think we may actually be there because stupid people call and leave these long stupid messages and then rush through their phone numbers at the end.

Anyone who has gotten trapped in voice mail hell understands what I’m talking about. Don’t you hate being trapped in that loop that won’t let you talk to a person but none of the options are what you need? I learned from a client recently that the reason you can’t talk to a live person is because there often isn’t one. He has a business where he set up voice mail and gave his customers lots of options, but none of them were “talk to a live person” because he didn’t want to pay a live person for them to talk to.

I think there should be rules about voice mail. Give your name first, give your phone number second in a slow and controlled voice so someone listening to it can actually understand it. And finally, if you must, a 10 word or less message. For instance:

“Hi Honey! This is me. I’m on my cell phone. Call me.”

That would qualify as a good voice mail message.

As would:

“Hello, this is Ben Dover. My number is 5-5-5-1-2-3-4. Call me about this mediation in the Smith case.”

That would be a good voice mail message.

Anything else and they should take away your phone privileges. Not allow you to send or receive ANY voice mail messages. Banish you to communicating via snail mail or, maybe, if you were really good via fax.

That’s not to say I’m not a fan of technology.

E-mail. I’d rather communicate via e-mail than any other mode of communication, including getting up and talking to someone in the next office, face to face. In fact, I’ve had whole conversations in e-mail just to set up lunch with the guy in the office next to me.

My e-mail: You wanna go to lunch?
Their e-mail: Sure. When?
My E-mail: Donno. 12:30?
Their e-mail: O.K. Where you wanna go?
My e-mail: I don’t know. You decide.

You get the picture.

Caller ID. Talk about something I DO like:

Ring, Ring.
“Do I wanna talk to the the principal at the GirlChild’s school? No, Idon’tthinkso, thankyouverymuch.”

I just hate despise, abhor, can’t stand, curse, detest, disdain, loathe people who call and leave these rambling, convoluted, disconnected, confused, disjointed, incoherent, long-winded, wordy messages on my voice mail.